So it has been over a year since I tried to start a blog - the road to hell is paved with good intentions, as one of my dear friends from law school loved to remind me. I have quite a well-paved road before me, I think. In the intervening time, I have had many thoughts that I noted as good blog fodder. Alas, procrastination is one of my most accomplished abilities.
But I have tried to change the mental tape that plays in my head - you know the one: it constantly reminds you of how you have fallen short in some way, leading one to be down on oneself. The new tape I have to keep consciously putting into the old tape deck is "The past cannot be changed but I can control now and plan for the future." So rather then sucking all of the good energy out of myself by constantly beating up on myself mentally, I am trying to focus on the fact that I can make a different choice NOW, even if I can't undo what I did yesterday. Is this some sort of forgiveness that I am giving myself? Probably - and forgiveness is one of the best things in the world EVER!
But now I am faced with a real punishment/forgiveness condundrum - last night my sweet son, Reece, admitted after HOURS of denying it and calling his step-brother a liar for saying so, that he STOLE $3 from his brother (Riley stole money, too, but put his back in a moment of regret/fear and then he tattled on Reece, I think b/c he thought he wouldn't get in trouble since he put the money back). First, I am OH SO TROUBLED by the fact that he would go right along with Riley's plan to steal Birch's money - just fell right in behind! But then, to lie and lie and lie and lie and lie about it for HOURS - giving me all of this detail in the story (which I was able to then use later to sort of cross-examine him about his inconsistent statements). He lied looking me straight in the eye and without flinching. For this, he got a real spanking for the first time in his life. And he deserved it.
But that is not enough punishment. I am now contemplating taking every possession he has (besides clothing and school related essentials) and making him earn them back. He has accumulated over $60 and I am thinking of taking that, too. What he does not realize is that, while I have every mother's natural suspicious nature, I now have lost the trust that I once had in him; I really do look at him as a different person now. Perhaps that is best, but I feel like I have lost the sweet, precious, guileless boy that I used to have. I guess it is bound to happen this close to the teen years.
3 comments:
Wow. That's tough. I can't remember the first time I stole something from you - must be that Wick & Katy didn't beat me enough to make it memorable. Too late now. :)
OK sorry for the gallows humor. Here, I'll try something lighter: Hey, that's awfully heavy for a first blog post. Couldn't you write something embarrassing about yourself first?
Just be glad it didn't get him arrested.
Cassidy and I went to the Craft Fair here in Knighdale with a friend a few weeks ago. While there Cassidy took something off one of the tables and tried to keep it. Thankfully she is not a good liar (yet). She cannot keep a straight face, so when I looked at her I knew she was up to something. I was so embarrased. So, at least your issue was "in house" rather than a public display ;)
Poor Reece! Doesn't he realize he'll have a tough time lying when his mom is a lawyer? But I must say that since you've gone this far without the lying coming up, Reece still has his sweet nature. He may be trying out different behavior to see how it fits, but underneath it sounds like you are all good.
When Rachel went through this (several years ago!!) we broke out the punishment into 2 parts: Stealing and lying. The lying punishment was ALWAYS twice as much as any other crime-- which we would point out as soon as the first punishment was up (oh, you'd be done by now if you hadn't lied.) And then with the lying punishment, which would be concrete-- like no allowance or tv, we would TALK it to death. A reminder that we are her biggest ally when something came up, we would love her no matter what, we would defend her no matter what, BUT we needed her to have the courage to tell us the truth was to best defend her. There did come a time when we had to defend her in school situation by meeting with the principal and we hammered the point again and again and again.
The next phase of the lying thing was when they had the courage to confess: we'd punish the bad behavior (no TV for a week) but then reward the truth telling with something small (I made your fav dinner). Over time, Rachel's courage has grown and it hasn't been as hard for her.
One comment on the NOW and FUTURE decisions. Please also remember to reward yourself now and plan on relaxation, plan to veg out and waste time sometimes. No one can maintain a pace that we think we should and to expect it always is setting yourself up to fail.
:-)
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